Mum

Almost a year ago, December 8th 2010, my mother drove into the River. Quietly, almost unnoticed. I can not allow myself to see that reality. She is with me now and that it all I need to see. Saved by an eye of a person walking his dog and the Grace of God to be sure.
Throughout this year I have been coming to terms with her Alzheimers. So has she. Better than I. Looking back I knew there was trouble. I feel so guilty for being impatient with her during those times. Not knowing why she was so insistent. Leaving notes on my door. Calling all the time. I was used to my mother giving me a bit of a hard time. So I took it as nagging. Ugh....but that was then and this is now and bittersweet it is to have her by my side. I quit my job the night of the accident and have been taking care of Mum ever since. This is my fourth day in a row not seeing her since last year, with the exception of my honeymoon. I feel guilty but this week has been a need to get my head together and regroup all of my personalities. :)

I am blessed through this. People have real problems. Sick children, lost husbands, war, starvation. This is nothing compared. I am now in a different but good relationship with my mother that in earlier years was strained. My immaturity and her intensity and still anger over a failed marriage with my father and a failed relationship with her second husband made it difficult to deal with her way of thinking.

I am easy going and rational. She is intense and hot headed. Now though, she is happy all the time. She is only 70 and aware of what is happening to her. Not long ago she was doing the same things for her mother. A full time teaching job to boot and a husband that, until later years in her life, she found him to have SA her daughter from the age of 10 into adulthood. What a rip off. She took care of him when he was sick. Never left his side until his death 3 years ago. I admire her greatly.

Finally she sold their house. Bought a Garden home and was alone and enjoying not taking care of people and going to nursing homes to do so for 12 years. Now, 2 years after, she is in one herself. Ugh...I love her so much. I look at her as a young person and thought what opportunity she had. Self sufficient. Put herself through Teachers College.  Her parents were poor, who wasn't during the Depression, and saved her money.

Mum ran her own Kindergarten in the Miramichi for years before their marriage breakup in 1980. When she moved back to here she found work at a Childrens School which they called a "Hospital School", which was just a way for fools back then to keep children with disabilites and behavioural issues/mental issues out of the classrooms of "regular school". She ended up being an advocate for these kids and to her resume was added Consultant for this entire district for Special Needs children. She fought everyday for these kids and loved them all. Some she even brought them home. Where on more than one occasion I got beat up by them but...it was worth it. haha.


When my father left she came home to this port city with 40 bucks in her pocket. Took care of my dog and I. Worked the tradional two jobs single parents usually have to work in order to pull off a home, food groceries etc. In the 80's here in Canada interest rates on Mortgages were 18.5 %. So no easy job getting a house and a mortgage with that. As any Mum would do...tried to keep me in the same lifestyle that I knew as a child.

My father and she adopted my brother and I both. Him first as he is 3 years older than I and a whole lot more responsible. Then came me. She brought my brother with them to the foster home to see me. There were actually two other babies there but since the place was creepy, as my mother later told me, my brother pointed to me as said, "take that one and lets get outta here', and so here am I. Grand entrance.

So I think that I will post here for myself so I don't know. I can look back and see her progress if thats what you want to call it. To or from I'm not sure yet how to look at it.

Either way. A great day. Life hurts because it is beautiful.